I travel. It's just what I do. It's what I plan to turn into my career, my future, me. Well, I guess that's false as it already IS me. The downside of living this fantastic dream of a life that most people will only ever experience in pictures is the inability to put my roots in. I can't really call anywhere home, I don't have "friends from back home," and every time I pack up that suitcase I'm leaving someone, or something, behind.
This is the little dark truth that no one ever wants to admit. I strive towards independence and pride myself on not leaving any loose ends or anything to tie me down, but the fact of the matter is that there are always loose ends and things tying me down. I thought that by getting an apartment and establishing an address in NY that I would make it my home, but the close I get to having to pack up and go back there the less and less I want to do so. I love the city, and love the excitement, but every time I'm there I constantly miss the normalcy of family and consistency of friends. People are constantly changing but when in NY, the city changes faster, the people are NEVER the same,. Half of my friends graduated and moved away, the other half are going into their senior year...this year's already vying to be tough.
And then there's the little factor that I want to go to Africa my senior year. This would force me to give up my apartment, and halfheartedly live somewhere for a semester....the roots I tried to put down are already being ripped out.
And then there's family. My "last family trip " was to China....on the trip my parents talked about going on their own trips, sans my brother and I. So we are on our own little trip in hawaii. That's right, I'm in Hawaii right now. I should be on the beach, but my brother is sleeping. Sigh. Anyway, before we left my parents realized how boring a trip alone would be, as my dad wouldn't have a drinking partner and you can't play liverpool rummy with only two people. so they invited me along to meet my cousins/aunt, the Saarmons, while they're on their yearlong Caribbean adventure in June. This just defeated the purpose of my apartment...I need to get a job, not live life in limbo any more, and that's what they are pulling me to do! If I do, in fact, decide that Africa is plausible, I may do it. But who knows. Life of a wanderer.
Speaking of which, I'm currently reading On the Road by Jack Kerouac. Interesting novel, filled with little life lessons. I also saw what my...old friend....from Spain...was doing...he wants to BE the characters and tried to become them while in Spain. Maybe another reason why we are no longer friends. He wanted me to be Marylou and he wanted to be Jack/Dean. Except that in New York, with the boy back home out of the picture, I still couldn't be his Marylou. Or maybe I was too much like Marylou. Either way, it never works out, does it? I guess I'll find out when I finish.
As I sit here on the beautiful Island of Maui typing this (faster than it will appear on the screen, so it's really tripping me out) I wonder what the next year will bring me. About a week ago a big change happened...which is truthfully terrifying. Something I can't tell a soul in Reno, but will be letting everyone on the East know...I'm sure they will (and are) proud. But it makes me wonder....am I really cut out for my self proclaimed life alone. I always say I'll be the unmarried old lady with the birds, or will spend my life jet-setting, leaving no time for a family or a life, but that little maternal instinct its back. Well, it never left. I thought about it...I could be a singe mom, but how HARD would that be? Especially for the child that I plan on adopting...they're already going to have enough on their plate from the orphanage, but then being taken in by me? God save us all. And I'm quite sick of myself. I don't let any one in because I know that friendships and relationships are fleeting. But that just sucks and it really does put a damper on my brain. Why I don't give myself a chance to be happy is beyond me. That's a lie. It's because I don't want anyone affecting my determination and plans. The future me is telling the current me to forsake happiness love or friendship for the unknown of living life on the edge. Bouncing around from place to place, letting life come to me, and traveling around the world....it's what I want to do, but I already foresee the life of loneliness. I hate saying goodbye, so I try to make it so that I never have to.
I should learn from the past 20 years, but I suppose I never will. My life really is like a movie, and I expect it to stay that way.
I suppose everything will work out, right? I just need to pray a lot. Well, if I pray at all it will be more than I'm doing now. I've really fallen....my friend from high school, Jenna, has myspace now. She was the one person who always kept me on the right path, and now she is totally judging me. I don't really care, but then again, I do. A level of my morality is gone, but I will still be the same[person, good on the inside. I just like to do some...not so good...things. I'm supposed to be an example for the world around me, especially for my cousins, but as I look at them I just wonder if I failed. I was a pretty good kid, but they are younger than I was when I started ANYTHING they are doing. It makes me wonder if I was the reason they are corrupt....it really sucks being the oldest. The full responsibility of their lives falls on my shoulders. Great.
For now, I'm saying c'est la vie and letting my life play out. I have 3 years of school, for my Masters, and so many thing i want to do. I guess whatever will be will be and I just have to wake up and DO IT. I wish that I didn't live in such a fantasy world, but so far, a lot of the things I've dreamed up in my mind have happened, while not always WHEN I wanted them to happen. My life is pretty amazing, it's just a little lonely. I guess loneliness is the price I have to pay. Some day everything will work out, I'm sure of it. Tyler thinks some man is going to completely surprise me, and I sure as hell hope so. It takes a lot to put up with me.,...not even going to try to lie. I'm a piece of work. I am demanding and independent and to match anything that I will throw at you you'd have to be a pretty strong person. Not many people are like that...everyone's a pushover. But I hold my ground and you'd better hold yours. Or else, what's the point? One day someone will match my personality and be able to keep up with me...either that or throw a lasso at me and tie me down. That's probably what I'm asking for. In order for that to happen, I'll have o keep working and trucking forward. I don't want to be tied down, because there's so much LIFE to experience. But what if I'm leaving something behind?? I guess I'll just have to wait and find out.
So, it's Hawaii this week, Reno some of next, Northern California for the rest of next week, Reno, Tahoe, Reno, then back to the big city. I need to buy furniture, but I think I'll keep it minimal...who knows how long I'll need it. I can't wait to see my love bug Ilan as I have much to dish and he has much to dish. he' probably the one person who matches me on travels...New York to Israel, to Madrid (where he saw Bjork!) then Milan...Back to New York some time after me....mhm baby can't wait to see him. We have our differences and we fight, but he (so far) is the one friend who I had a big blow out with and then took back. I actually apologized to him after some tears. His personality is as fierce as mine, but he knows what's best for me and I know what's best for him. I'd marry him if he was my type...and straight. Hehe. Our kids would probably be gorgeous and SUPER exotic. They woud also have impeccable palates. Too bad.
Time to wake up the brother. It's already 9:30 over here off the mainland!! PS: My perpetual jet lag is quite the trip. I travel too much...my body totally hates me. I need some yoga. Toga. :)