What is this...this...thing. I really wish someone could tell me.
Oh wait. They already have.
It's feeling. It's scary. It's going with the flow. It's allowing the breath to reside within my body and actually experience something.
Or so I'm told.
What started off as a simple debacle of a night turned into...this. This thing. It's new. I'm not sure how I feel about it. But it's nice.
Dear GOD it's finally happened. A new chapter.
What is distance? Distance is space. Space that can easily be transcended. Some distance is easier to transcend than others, but all in all, space is time. Time on a plane, train, street, whatever. Some times people can't get past the space that looms ahead. But sometimes, surprisingly, people come along that see distance for what it is, that being time.
The last time, distance was seen as a problem. Something that could not be changed. The distance between this concrete jungle and the looming deserts was too much. Looking back, the space didn't exist materially, but existed mentally. The space was created between hearts, minds, souls. The space grew and grew, sometimes it was overlooked, most times it was the ominous rift between us. While I prepared and prepared, fought and fought, I still wound up head over heels, faceplant, yard sale, whatever you want to call it, infatuated. At one point in time, I actually thought it was love. But what is LOVE. Does it even exist? There's the undying love I feel for my family, there's the simple love from children, and there's the love I feel for my good, no, great friends. But...what is "Love" in the All American just like the movies mumbo jumbo of life? I'm not sure that it actually exists. In fact, I'm fairly certain that it's all a product of Hollywood, made to make our lives, Missed Connections, and whatever other shit that we feed and buy into every day profitable. I digress. Distance, space, time--he wasn't ready. Wouldn't ever be. I actually want to say that the maturity gap, that space, was more of a factor than anything. Here I am, the 70 year old man who drinks gin and tonics and drinks woody dry red wine inside the body of a 20 year old. Every once in awhile, I'll have my moment of "age" but that only happens when I am...fully aware of its existence. Other than that, I'm an old soul. I wanted an old soul to match my own...apparently, that old soul didn't...doesn't...exist in the body of that particular 25 year old. On my merry way.
But then again, Mr. Big, Mcdreamy, whatever comes back doesn't he? Well this time, with a few carefully phrased (courtesy of the one and only IV due to my unnatural frenzy of hysteria) messages, I curtly asked him to refrain from contact. Mr Big no more. It was like the movies. And I hate the movies.
Except for Dan in Real Life. That was hilarious.
This time. There's actually a "this time." Different person. Who would have thought that would ever happen? Certainly not I. This was...is...not in the plan. This is not in the plan of my celibate single adoptive mother illness curing future. This time, distance is literally just time. Distance is seen as space. Distance is not the factor. That's ridiculous. Of course, when distance is taken away, there's the many other factors that are involved. I think I just pick...I think I am just THROWN into complicated situations. That is why I am "complicated." In more ways than just the facebook sense. Transcend distance, meet age, meet responsibilities, meet family, meet life, meet more complications than just space, than just time. Nope. I asked for it, didn't I?
Being the skeptic that I am, I assumed that everything in this matter was orchestrated. An attempt to play me at my own damn game. Well, haha, like I would be fooled. I'm not one to be duped. Then I get a "You grew up so quickly in so many ways...it's like...you came to this part and said NOPE NO WAY, stop right there!" It's so true. While I may act like a 70 year old man, when it comes to connecting with other people, dropping the guard, and letting someone else in...I'm basically 12 years old. Somehow that's supposed to make sense. Somehow, I'm supposed to work. Well, God, I don't really know if that all works that way. I'm pretty sure I can be a mother. But a girlfriend? Yea, right. And that is the true irony of my life.
For now, que sera, sera. That is supposed to be my motto. I'm supposed to have transcended this "former me" of schedules, rigidity, and walls...but of course, Big had to come back and force me to build another layer. But I actually don't know if I did...I mean...I fought fought FOUGHT tooth and nail to prevent the layer from forming on my already iron clad mindheartsoul. I really, truly did. I just hope it worked.
In the end, what is distance? Distance, in a material earthly sense, is negligible. It's the distance of the mind heart soul that makes all the difference. Distance in maturity. Distance in life experiences. For everything else, we have public transportation. So what's going to win this time? There are some huge distances...it'll be interesting to see how big of a distance they become.
Yea, that's right. It. Will.
I'm going to do as my friend, the wise oh so wise yogi non yogi himself tells me to do. I'm going to shut up and breathe.
Now I just need to stop fighting my brain. My brain always trumps my heart. So hopefully, soon, I can stop thinking, start feeling, and just BE here, now. Because distance is mental. Distance is not physical.
So much easier said than done.