Tuesday, January 1, 2008

2007. A Reflection.

2007. This was the year of the pieces. Some fitting, others not. Trying new ones, avoiding others. Exploring the different pattern these pieces were able to form in my life. Some came together...some just didn't quite fit. Others I tried to force into place...but as with all things that don't come naturally, these pieces eventually popped from their wedged in places and all my effort was for naught. I guess all I can say about that is, I told myself so.

January-hit it off with a bang in Sydney, lost a best friend, gained some new long distance friendships, and tried to start the year fresh
February-Went through hell with my boss, entered my twenties, ended yet another friendship.
March-sobriety, a new friendship, the beginning of the Bobst bag.
April-a revelation from Big, school, moving
May-End of the year, beginning of apt hunting, a shared bed, and a surprise visit in NYC by Big
June-Brandon's graduation, shitty apt, Reno, Kari's wedding, back in the mess.
July-China, Hawaii, family bonding, and a boundary crossed.
August-Double trouble: drunken messes, almost lost friendships, and an uh oh with the subletter
September-drama rama, school takes over, a boundary crossed with a person, a letter written and a person deleted
October-school, yoga, dad's visit
November-end of a friendship, a message from the deleted Big, Thanksgiving debacle, a real date, and my first time cooking the meal
December-finals, dating nondating, kids, then RENO! Christmas time family style.

Very typical, no? I had my fair share of movie scenes (running through the streets of New York and only catching him because he missed his train and only seeing him after spinning around the room in despair-like garbage), new experiences, growing up, and self discovery paired with an almost unhealthy blend of trashy shitshows...but altogether, this year was very...simple.

The biggest thing I learned: when I stop pretending to be the perfect model person, I'm actually quite a bit happier. I screw up sometimes. I make mistakes. I make HUGE mistakes. But in the end, discretions can be forgiven and life will move on. Along with this, I learned to stop lying, which is coming quite slowly. Not so much lying as hiding things. Hiding people, hiding relationships, hiding the person that I actually am from my family and friends: it just turns me into a bitter, angry person, someone I am not a fan of.

This trip to Reno I did what I always say I'm going to do: put family first. I literally stopped answering my phone, didn't answer texts, and blew people off for my family. And quite frankly, if they have a problem with it, then they aren't worth having in my life. My family is amazing. The people are crazy, alcohol leads to insanely funny moments, and I fit right in with the lot of crazy bastards. I didn't ditch them to hang out with friends, I didn't ditch family OR friends to hang out with a secret love, and altogether I got to know the people that I have been around for 21 years. My cousins are growing up into beautiful people on both the inside and out, and even though some of them are quite the wild children, they really look up to me. That's terrifying as much as it makes me proud.

This was the first time I came back to this city and actually felt at peace with myself. I wasn't battling a hidden pretension, I fully embraced the fact that I am a pretentious bitch and that I needed to tone it down. I am sitting here with only a few days left and I actually don't want to leave. I don't want to go back to my ridiculously busy life full of responsibilities and awkward moments. My best isn't going to be there for me to call crying at 2am with a place for me to crash and he's not going to be there when I'm sitting in the library freaking out about some stupid Myspace message. Somehow I'm going to have to struggle through this semester on my own--that is more terrifying than anything! My crutch is gone.

But I'll get through it.

So with the year 2008 upon us, the pieces of my life are slowly sliding into place. I'm an old soul and I'm not a typical twenty year old. Sometimes I hate it, sometimes I love it. But in the end, it doesn't matter if I'm typical or not. It just matters that I am who I am, and I will continue to ground myself in the dark and twisty person that I am. As long as I stay true to who I am, nothing can break me. The wall of China will continue to hold up until I let it crumble, and that's just the way it goes. These things can't be forced. They just have to wait for special people.

This year promises to be interesting. I suppose we'll see what happens, eh?