home.

Home. What is "home?" Is home where the heart is, where your family is, where you're currently living, where you've lived the longest, where? The answer is different for everyone, so I guess the answer lies within oneself. For me, home is where I feel...myself. Home is a place that I can go to and just feel comfortable in my own skin, confident with my personality, and sexy despite all of my flaws. It's a place I can go to feel the weight lift off of my shoulders, a place where I can FINALLY stop pretending. That place, I've realized today, is New York City.

I dreaded coming back. I didn't want to leave my family, I didn't want to leave the bonds I'd created, the memories I'd made, the experienced I'd come to know...but I did. One of my biggest characteristics is my ambition and drive--something that I won't let anyone take from me, but this summer, I wanted to let go of this immensely. But now that I'm back, I realize the void I've felt, the sadness within me.

Walking around today, seeing the familiar places, ignoring the idiots,judging the rest, and drinking coffee that wasn't Starbucks....I felt at home, I felt myself. Sitting in Tompkins reading, listening to a solo saxophone, and watching the frisbees and kids, I just felt comfortable. I felt comfort, confidence,and alive all at the same time. Relief washed over me and I felt alive.

But where do you draw the line between ambition and compromise?

I haven't figured this out yet. I have this thing where I can't possibly imagine myself making changes in my life for another person,mostly because every time I have it has back fired. But then I wonder if I just sabotage myself. I don't let anyone know what my motives are, so how should they know?? Should everyone just learn to read my mind--a mind that I keep quite under wraps? Yep. Guess so. I haven't found the balance,if you find it,let me know. For know I'll remain selfish and concentrate on myself. I'm twenty...I guess that's what a twenty year old living in New York City is supposed to do, eh?

The warmth will just have to wait. I am pretty closed up, but when people are able to read through this silly wall, I'm quite amazed. It also surprises me when someone notices those quirky things I do that I don't even notice. I mention this because someone has, which is so strange as this person is a stranger.

It's nice.

For now, I'm home, wandering, living, breathing, reading, and simply BEING in this concrete jungle. It's my home. I guess I'm sort of in love with NYC. It gets me. (And caffeinates me.) I'm so tired of moving. I'm so tired of living out of a suitcase. In a few days,I'll be able to unpack and actually make myself at home in my home. For now,I'll live with the relief that I feel. It's so damn satisfying.

My heart just skipped a beat....

But it's still not the same. You know that feeling where your heart is going a mile a minute and you have butterflies all of the time....the wonderful feeling that I used to have...until it was ripped out of me, stomped all over, and vomited back in over and over and over.... Basically. Not to be dramatic, but it's sort of what it felt like. I suppose one could say that I'm a bit of a masochist, and I guess I am in a way, because I keep going back for more. But this time, it's just not the same. My heart may still skip a beat every once and awhile, but it will keep on beating a second later.

Chivalry died with romance. And with that "I said I'd never fall in love again, but then pop goes my heart..." I guess I'm waiting for my heart to go POP.

I can wait a little longer.

I think i just need to be busy again. I may be traveling like there is no tomorrow, but that doesn't make me busy.... My datebook may be full, but it's not full of the kind of stuff that helps me forget things. Only 15 more days!!

I just got back from a family filled weekend. Drove up to nor-cal and saw my Por Pors family: her brother's dying of cancer...and I think this is the first time I've actually met him. It's quite sad really, how old and frail he looked. But he still had his Mak family spunk. Not that kind of spunk. Her sister is quite old too...and it's so awkward that she doesn't actually speak English. that's so difficult!

Well anyway, I was completely against going on this trip, but I actually had an amazing time. Ate way too much though. It was my great-aunt's 80th birthday/her 58th wedding anniversary, so the party was quite the sight. In their million dollar home (with tennis courts) there was wine and food galore...and tons of family. When I walked in with my little cousin Jenna, I had a few too many relatives ask me when I had her....and if she was mine. I think five hours straightened them out...i didn't want to be the new family scandal! It was so good to see everyone...Aunty Vi was her usual drunk self and the rest of the family gave me a hard time about school and boys. My uncle George gave me a lecture that I wasn't allowed to get serious with anyone until i had a career. i'm pretty sure I'm sabotaging any chance of a relationship myself with that reason in mind....so he's proud of me. Aunty Vi on the other hand...well...to her marriage at 22 is old. Little does she know...22 is way too young.

Other than the constant pressure of doing well in school, making a name for myself, and meeting a respectable young man for the family (requirements including helping all relatives up and down stairs, opening doors for everyone including myself, and according to Aunty Vi, sending roses once a month. Ha. Didn't I already say that Chivalry is dead? This is going to be tough.) to torture upon the expectation of my promptly popping out babies, the weekend was fantastic. I love my little cousins...I'm always overwhelmed by the amount of love that they exhibit towards me. Some of them barely even know me, but immediately just love me and want to be around me. It's that kind of love that I miss. It sucks living so far away.

Which has brought me back to the realization that I always have: Family is the only consistency in your life. You turn your back on them and you have NOTHING. Friendships, relationships: they are all fleeting. Family is a type of love that is ingrained in your soul. I have built this...wall...around me my entire life. I don't let people in, I don't let ANYTHING in. It's actually been troubling me lately, because I have been hurt and in response to that i thickened my skin...but did I thicken it too much? I have found that I can't fell anything. I don't feel sadness or love or desire or infatuation or anger or hurt. Nothing. It's like I'm wandering around with no soul. I have convinced myself that I am happy, but am I? The only times in the last few months that I have been truly happy are when my little cousins are around or when I'm with a friend who just GETS me with no questions or judgments. Which is extremely rare in this town.

And the internet. The all conspiring hell that I have become addicted to. It constantly tells me far more that I want to know. The worst thing about private profiles is that I can't stalk people. The best thing about private profiles is that I can't stalk people. I find out information that I just don't need to know. I make assumptions about everything, and that then turns into disgust. And disgust is not being taken over by butterflies anymore. And the thing is, I'm not about to actually ask if my suspicions are true, because I'd rather not know for certain. But the fact that i have suspicions just sucks out my soul and leads me to harden my shell. Which is already way too hard. And the cycle of masochism continues that I will never be able to figure out.

For this week, I'm sticking with family. Jenna is here and her love is just...so pure. All I have to do is pick her up and curl her hair, and her heart is mine. Saturday I'm off on a trip for a few days with some family that is coming from Italy. I don't know them and haven't kept up with my italian...this could be interesting. It's good to get away from Reno though, even though I don't have that much longer...and I'll get to spend time with my italian family! Asians this week, Italians this weekend, and then back to Reno to finish off the cycle. Then its off to New York to unpack, figure out my life, and start sucking up to the right people. Ack! I also need to find a job...I'm thinking full time on the weekends and part time during the week. I am broke as a joke and I just bought a new pair of shoes....I needed them, ok? I do live in the city....

So little time, so little time, but my heart will keep on beating.